Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A Positive Twist To A Shitty Situation

This post isn't going to be about health and fitness, necessarily, but about the changes I've recently made in my life to become a happy more positive person. I don’t let very many people get to know me very well, so for those of you who don’t really know who the real Justine is, fasten your seat belts because you’re about to learn a lot about this chick.
I've spent the past 2-3 years absolutely miserable, hating myself, blaming myself, blaming other people, pushing people away and just not being a very pleasant person to be around. The last time I remember being genuinely happy was in 5th grade. What kid isn’t happy in 5th grade, though? But even still, I’ve had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. Staring in the mirror in 4th grade wondering why I had a roll of fat around my tummy when my other friends didn’t. Going through middle school and losing all my friends. Getting rejected by my first crush because I wasn’t skinny and pretty enough (his words, exactly. What a dirt bag). Losing my best friend because I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with anymore. Sitting at the middle school dances during a slow song and wondering why no boy asked me to dance. Then hitting high school and discovering the oh-so-wonderful acne. I started comparing myself to other girls. If it wasn’t for some of my amazing guy friends, I probably wouldn’t have been asked to a single high school dance. After graduating high school and going through the rejections of guys that I liked, thinking that they didn’t want me because I was fat and ugly. In truth, the reason they rejected me was because I was a crazy bitch who hated myself so much it made it impossible for anyone to love me. All this stuff sounds so petty and small compared to life now, but through all of that, it’s left a few scars.

Someone once told me that this picture explains my life in a nutshell. There I am, standing in the sunshine smiling and pretending everything is okay and happy go lucky, but in the back ground is dark and stormy. The truth of what I was really feeling at the time. Looking back on this picture blows my mind. My life in a nutshell. 

A lot of my depression comes from my self-hatred. Another part comes from my intestinal tract issues. Fun fact: 80% of your serotonin (I like to call it the happy hormone) signal comes from your GI Tract. Well guess what? Mine doesn’t function properly.  No happy hormone for Justine. I get my happy hormone from something else called alcohol (just kidding, mom). But in all seriousness, this has had a pretty big impact on my happiness, but I’m currently getting all that junk figured out by drinking god awful dirt tasting tea that my naturopath prescribed to me and getting poked by needles.  Stupid Portland hippie doctors. All of these things have built up to make me pretty damn miserable. I never think I’m enough for anyone and I’m extremely hard on myself. I’ve always had a hard time finding the positives in my life. So I’ve come up with a few things that I think are extremely shitty, and I’ve put a positive twist to them.
My Job: I do a lot of work for a little pay. I don’t think I’ve come home without some sort of feces or bodily fluid on my shirt. Postive Twist: I have a steady pay check and I’ve gotten so much experience from this job. I love every single one of my residents like they were my own family. I now have 31 grandma’s and grandpa’s and that’s a pretty cool thing. Also, if I didn’t wind up in Memory Care, I don’t think I ever would have figured out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I’ve found the only thing I’m really good at.
Homework: The cause of all evils. It does nothing but cause stress. Positive twist: It’s my choice to do this. This is my future and I WANT it.
Bitches: No one likes girls like this. Just mean hearted with no regards to other people's feelings. I've recently had an experience with a girl who pretended to be my friend, then turned around and stabbed me in the back over a guy. Is there really a positive to this situation? Yes. Positive twist: I got a damn good laugh at how stupid she made herself look.  I let karma take control on that one.
Gas money: Literally takes every penny I’ve got to get around in this city. Positive Twist: At least I have a car.
Heartbreaks and rejections: Let’s face it, no one enjoys heartbreaks and sometimes it really is hard to find a positive twist, but I have found one. Positive Twist: I’ve learned so much from every single heartbreak and rejection. Because of this, I’m a totally different person than who I was a few years ago. Thank god.
The rain: I hate rain. So much. Positive Twist: It makes Portland damn Beautiful in the Spring and Summer.
Doughnuts: The fat girl inside me really misses these. Positive Twist: I’ve lost so much weight without them!
My body: I have some self-esteem issues. Positive twist: I’m working at it every day and making progress loving what I see every day!

These are just a few things that I’ve made more positive in my life. I recently got a tattoo. I’ve been wanting this tattoo for a long time but recently decided to get it because I’m finally living by it. I’ve been a prisoner to my own mind, trapped by the negativity and darkness for so long. I’ve been trapped by my past, I’ve been trapped by what society says I should be doing with my life, I’ve been trapped by my own self-hatred but I’m finally setting myself free. I will live my life the way I want to. I want to go places and see things. I want to do things that I’ve never done and start checking things off my bucket list. I want to discover. I want to have adventures! I want to live my life to the fullest. The thought of graduating college, getting a job, going to work, meeting a guy, marrying the guy, having kids, working my ass off to barely  make ends meet, getting old and dying just doesn’t appeal to me. Who knows if I’ll ever really settle down? I’m 20 years old and I’m going to make the most of what I have and let life take me wherever it wants to. No matter where I end up, I just want to be happy. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.