Finding Myself

            It’s funny, the older I get and the more I learn about myself, the more insecure I become. When I feel like I have my shit figured out, it all comes unrivaled soon after. Truth is, as far as I’ve come, I have so much more work to do. I’m learning that happiness isn’t some destination down the road; happiness should be in the here and now. I keep waiting for happiness. “if I lose just a few more pounds, then I’ll be happy” “If I get into this program, THEN I’ll be happy” “If I move away from Portland, then I can be happy” No, if I ever plan to be happy, I have to be content where I’m at right now. My brother always says to me, “stay present”. I never understood. But now I do. I live 50% of my life thinking about the future and 50% living in the past. Of course I can’t be happy if I’m not focused on today. Thinking about my future gives me anxiety, living in the past and reliving all my past failures brings me pain. If I focus on my life right in this moment, I don’t feel any of that. The future will come eventually, but if I’m not happy in the present, my future will be no different.

                I feel like a hypocrite, I promote self-love but struggle with it every single day. I’ve come so far in my journey to find self-love, but I have a long way to go. I let my insecurities get the best of me to where I ruin, no actually I destroy my relationships. No one deserves to put up with someone who can’t put away her insecurities and just enjoy what she has. I let those inner demons consume me. Everybody has insecurities, but if you’re confident with who you are, you’re able to brush them off or just accept them for what they are. I’ve never been able to do that. And that’s something that I’ve been working on. Normally, I don’t deal with my problems, I hide from them. I hide them from everybody. If I could just work through them as they come, I could let them go. But instead I let them build and build until they all come unrivaled for some poor bastard to be left picking up the pieces. NO ONE deserves that.  I’m learning to love myself and it’s one hell of a roller coaster. If I don’t love me, then who the hell will? I’ve been pretty lucky to have the people in my life who love me unconditionally. That’s the great thing about love, no matter what; you’re still there for that person. My mom, God bless that woman, has put up with my crazy for almost 21 years now. I’m pretty sure she is the only human being on this planet who would do that.

                Self-love is something that I wish everyone had. Society really is fucked up. So many women out there deal with eating disorders because it’s engraved into our brains at such a young age that to be beautiful, you have to be a size 2. You have to have that God forsaken thigh gap, you have to have beautifully straight and white teeth and you have to have big blue eyes and long wavy hair. You have to be a certain height, a certain weight, you have to dress a certain way and you have to be as hairless as an Asian.  Big boobs, nice ass, petite nose, clear skin, wrinkle free and graceful.  This is what is promoted in magazines, TV, movies and the fashion industry. The idea that you have to be a babe to find someone to love you is ridiculous. Every woman is beautiful in some way. Sure, you have a few extra pounds on you, rock that shit! Be who you are. Someone out there thinks you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. Fuck the standards of society. I always say that beauty comes from the inside and I will hold on to that until the day I die. My mother told me that when I was just a little girl and I will pass it on to my little girl someday. I have a beautiful soul, I know I do. But my past issues are like a thunder cloud blocking out the sunshine of my soul.

                I’ve never been secure with who I am as a person. Growing up, I never fit into a typical click at school. I was never labeled as one thing. I got along with everybody; the stoners, the jocks, the popular kids, the nerds and the hicks. I was friends with everybody but I never put myself into a category. I didn’t know who I was for a long time, but within the last year, I’ve figured out who I am. I’m not one thing, I’m a little bit of everything. I’m still working on figuring out my life, but there are a few things I know for certain. I’m a small town girl at heart who has a love/hate relationship with this fast paced, ass hole filled city. I suck at math.  I’m a people person when I want to be but choose to spend my weekends by myself. I have a passion for helping people, that’s literally all I want to do. I want to live somewhere where it’s warm and sunny every day. I like sci fi/fantasy and post-apocalyptic books but I’ll read anything you put in front of me, because when I read, I lose sight of reality and that’s all I really want. I will never be as great of a cook as my mom, but I sure can bake a mean cookie. I hate the snow and I love my family. I love fishing and shooting shit. I have zero fashion sense; sometimes I wear things that even Portlander’s would make fun of. My idea of a good time is driving around with the windows down the music turned up. I’ve never understood women’s obsession with diamonds and jewelry. I enjoy watching a football game but listening to people talk about their favorite sports teams bores me to tears. I miss my hometown, but can’t help but find the beauty no matter where I live (even this god awful city).

                This is who I am; just a lonely girl in a crowded room. Screaming and yelling hoping that someone notices me, yet wanting to hide when someone finally does. I feel so much pressure. I put on this front for everybody. Everybody expects me to be happy all the time. I now have this stupid fitness account and I feel like I can’t be real when I feel like life just really sucks. I have to be fit, I can’t gain weight and I can’t be unhappy. People look to me for inspiration and I don’t want to let them down but I’m a human. Everybody has bad days, and in my case, a bad month. I put on a front 90% of the time. There are very few people in this world that I can be real with, who I don’t have to put up a fake persona of happiness with because I know no matter what, they’ll still be there when I’m done throwing my hissy fit. I’m going to take a break from social media for a while. I have some things to work on and I can’t have the pressures of this world pressing down on me while I try to figure it out. I’ll be back eventually but as of right now, I’m just tired. I’m running on fumes and I need to figure out what needs to be done to make me happy. Right now, I’m not even sure I know what that is and I don’t even know where to start. I have some changes that I need to make and all I need is the support of my loved one’s right now. I hope you all understand. I’ll figure it out. I’m a Cooley and Cooley’s are tough. I just need to take some time for myself right now. I only ask that those of you who are close to me be patient. I might be MIA for a while, but don't give up on me!